Work, again (36 weeks, 5 days)

In the last two days, a couple of positive developments have emerged: one of my consulting contracts will be renewed for 2009- there had been a question of whether it would continue- and I got an interview for an online teaching position (I've applied to lots of these and never had it go anywhere before). Obviously I'm pretty happy and excited about this. However I realized something was a bit awry when my first reaction was, "what an answer to prayer." Because, of course, all of the no's and uncertainties were answers to prayer too, and the ostensibly "good" and ostensibly "bad" are equally part of God's will for my life.

I am committed to feminism and I believe rightly so. But sometimes I can let that serve as a cover for my personal feelings of entitlement and pride around my career. I let it justify feelings of anger and self righteousness when things don't go my way. Some of that is truly justified (I've had some incredible and awful things happen!), but I need to work more on acceptance and humility as well.

This entitlement is a particularly terrible attitude to have since I can't consider much of what I have achieved to be properly mine. The opportunity to get an education, the funding for said education, even the ability to do well in school were all gifts in the first place. Whether I end up with a fabulous career out of all that is, in that sense, not my issue to the extent that much of the original investment was not mine. I need to put in my best effort, I need to fight sexism in the workplace, but all that doesn't guarantee or even warrant a certain outcome. The career that I get in the end may not be what I deserve, or merit, but nevertheless it will be the one that God has planned for me.